DAD BOD WEEKLY

Joe Paul

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
No comments on Why Are You Blow-Drying Your Balls Where I Can See You?

Why Are You Blow-Drying Your Balls Where I Can See You?

Why do old guys at the gym insist on using the communal hair dryer on their balls?

The Ball-Drying Brotherhood

I’ve reached the age where I’ve accepted that some things in life will always be mysteries. Why do crop circles exist? Is crypto actually the future? (Doubt it.) How is Arby’s still in business? Why do all teenage boys have the same fade and broccoli haircut? Why do we clap when a plane lands? I’ll never know, and that’s fine.


But there’s one question I can’t let go of. It haunts me, even though deep down I know I’ll never have an answer:

Why do old guys at the gym insist on using the communal hair dryer on their balls?

If you’ve spent any time in a men’s locker room, you know what I’m talking about. You’ll be minding your own business looking for your locker. Then suddenly you turn a corner and, whoosh there he is. Some retired guy named Gene, standing in the middle of the locker room in front of the mirrors, naked as the day he was born. He’s got one leg up on a bench like Captain Morgan. You’ve got a full view of Gene calmly blow-drying his family jewels with all the focus of a dog show handler grooming a prizewinning poodle.

No towel. No shame. Just the high heat whir of a Conair 1875 Turbojet and a full view of a man who stopped giving a shit about modesty during the Nixon administration.

Let’s be clear: this is not a one-off event. This is a whole phenomenon. I’ve seen it in big box gyms, boutique gyms, YMCA basements, and even a Holiday Inn Express fitness center. Different cities. Different states. Always the same. Always some guy with a ghost white pasty golfers tan and definitely has strong opinions about how things were done before “the damn country went to hell.”

Theories

I’ve tried look at (but not directly at ) this strange phenomenon. Here’s what I’ve come up with.

  1. Efficiency:Maybe Gene’s in a hurry. Maybe he’s meeting his friends at the coffee shop in 10 minutes. I get it, swamp junk is uncomfortable. And when you’re spending the day in a sticky vinyl seated coffee shop booth with your buddies, you’ve got to stay fresh.
  2. Comfort:
    I admit, an arid dry undercarriage is a good feeling, especially when followed up by a blast of baby powder. You’re ready to take on the world! But seriously, do I need to witness this act of morning preparation for the day’s challenges? I think our gyms need to start building out separate ball drying stations so they can do their business in private.
  3. This is MY TIME damn it:
    I get it. The Japanese have their onsens. The Turks have their Hammams. The Swedes have their Saunas. You’re at the gym to take care of yourself. But while the onsens of Japan provide peaceful, ritualistic and contemplative nudity, we’ve got Gene blow drying his sack while watching Fox News. While other cultures use volcanic stones, eucalyptus leaves and even shots of vodka to enhance their self care. I’m stuck with Gene and his scent of Gold Bond powder and winter green Absorbine Jr. If we’re going to do this, we’ve got to up our game.

But the most likely explanation?

  1. They just don’t give a shit anymore.

No Shame After Sixty

And honestly? I kind of respect that.

There’s something beautiful about reaching an age where you’ve seen enough war, divorce, kidney stones and cholesterol charts you just stop caring what people think.

But most importantly, this generation never fell into the social media trap. There was no body shaming. This was the generation that learned to swim, in high school, buck naked. So they never had to apologize for their body. Fat shaming didn’t exist. This generation never hid behind locker room corners, trying to do the towel shuffle like a nervous teen at his first swim meet.

No. Gene plants a foot on that bench, fire up the industrial-grade blower, and air those grapes out like it’s the last part of a car wash. Get it right and get it spotless!

Is it weird? Yes, for younger generations.

Is it unsanitary? Almost certainly. I don’t have the science behind it. But I am terrified of what little flakes may fall from Gene’s undercarriage into that drier, waiting for the next unsuspecting user of the communal drier.

Is it inevitable? Honestly, I think it might be.

Because someday, if I’m lucky, I too will reach the age where I walk into a gym locker room, towel draped over my shoulder and calmly dry my baby factory like it’s just part of the morning routine.

And when that day comes, that means I too have reached and age, wisdom and experience to just not give a shit. And the younger guys will write blog posts about me.

Final Thoughts

So the next time I catch an eye-full of airborne sack heat at my local gym, I’ll take a deep breath and not judge. (As long as Gene keeps it to the hand held dryers and not the wall mounted units)

I’ll recognize I’m seeing a man who has traded shame for freedom.

And a pair of balls that have never been so thoroughly fresh.

Godspeed, Gene. Godspeed.

#GymLife #ModernMasculinity #MensLockerRoom #SatirePost #ComedyWriting

#ManSpa

Joe Paul's avatar

Posted by:

Joe Paul

Why do old guys at the gym insist on using the communal hair dryer on their balls?

The Ball-Drying Brotherhood

I’ve reached the age where I’ve accepted that some things in life will always be mysteries. Why do crop circles exist? Is crypto actually the future? (Doubt it.) How is Arby’s still in business? Why do all teenage boys have the same fade and broccoli haircut? Why do we clap when a plane lands? I’ll never know, and that’s fine.


But there’s one question I can’t let go of. It haunts me, even though deep down I know I’ll never have an answer:

Why do old guys at the gym insist on using the communal hair dryer on their balls?

If you’ve spent any time in a men’s locker room, you know what I’m talking about. You’ll be minding your own business looking for your locker. Then suddenly you turn a corner and, whoosh there he is. Some retired guy named Gene, standing in the middle of the locker room in front of the mirrors, naked as the day he was born. He’s got one leg up on a bench like Captain Morgan. You’ve got a full view of Gene calmly blow-drying his family jewels with all the focus of a dog show handler grooming a prizewinning poodle.

No towel. No shame. Just the high heat whir of a Conair 1875 Turbojet and a full view of a man who stopped giving a shit about modesty during the Nixon administration.

Let’s be clear: this is not a one-off event. This is a whole phenomenon. I’ve seen it in big box gyms, boutique gyms, YMCA basements, and even a Holiday Inn Express fitness center. Different cities. Different states. Always the same. Always some guy with a ghost white pasty golfers tan and definitely has strong opinions about how things were done before “the damn country went to hell.”

Theories

I’ve tried look at (but not directly at ) this strange phenomenon. Here’s what I’ve come up with.

  1. Efficiency:Maybe Gene’s in a hurry. Maybe he’s meeting his friends at the coffee shop in 10 minutes. I get it, swamp junk is uncomfortable. And when you’re spending the day in a sticky vinyl seated coffee shop booth with your buddies, you’ve got to stay fresh.
  2. Comfort:
    I admit, an arid dry undercarriage is a good feeling, especially when followed up by a blast of baby powder. You’re ready to take on the world! But seriously, do I need to witness this act of morning preparation for the day’s challenges? I think our gyms need to start building out separate ball drying stations so they can do their business in private.
  3. This is MY TIME damn it:
    I get it. The Japanese have their onsens. The Turks have their Hammams. The Swedes have their Saunas. You’re at the gym to take care of yourself. But while the onsens of Japan provide peaceful, ritualistic and contemplative nudity, we’ve got Gene blow drying his sack while watching Fox News. While other cultures use volcanic stones, eucalyptus leaves and even shots of vodka to enhance their self care. I’m stuck with Gene and his scent of Gold Bond powder and winter green Absorbine Jr. If we’re going to do this, we’ve got to up our game.

But the most likely explanation?

  1. They just don’t give a shit anymore.

No Shame After Sixty

And honestly? I kind of respect that.

There’s something beautiful about reaching an age where you’ve seen enough war, divorce, kidney stones and cholesterol charts you just stop caring what people think.

But most importantly, this generation never fell into the social media trap. There was no body shaming. This was the generation that learned to swim, in high school, buck naked. So they never had to apologize for their body. Fat shaming didn’t exist. This generation never hid behind locker room corners, trying to do the towel shuffle like a nervous teen at his first swim meet.

No. Gene plants a foot on that bench, fire up the industrial-grade blower, and air those grapes out like it’s the last part of a car wash. Get it right and get it spotless!

Is it weird? Yes, for younger generations.

Is it unsanitary? Almost certainly. I don’t have the science behind it. But I am terrified of what little flakes may fall from Gene’s undercarriage into that drier, waiting for the next unsuspecting user of the communal drier.

Is it inevitable? Honestly, I think it might be.

Because someday, if I’m lucky, I too will reach the age where I walk into a gym locker room, towel draped over my shoulder and calmly dry my baby factory like it’s just part of the morning routine.

And when that day comes, that means I too have reached and age, wisdom and experience to just not give a shit. And the younger guys will write blog posts about me.

Final Thoughts

So the next time I catch an eye-full of airborne sack heat at my local gym, I’ll take a deep breath and not judge. (As long as Gene keeps it to the hand held dryers and not the wall mounted units)

I’ll recognize I’m seeing a man who has traded shame for freedom.

And a pair of balls that have never been so thoroughly fresh.

Godspeed, Gene. Godspeed.

#GymLife #ModernMasculinity #MensLockerRoom #SatirePost #ComedyWriting

#ManSpa

Leave a comment