Help! I Have to Give My Son “The Talk” (Pray for Us Both)

There are certain rites of passage no dad can dodge: teaching your kid to ride a bike, fixing a clogged toilet, and eventually… and eventually the nuclear bomb of all talks: The Talk.

The “please-God-don’t-make-me-say-‘erection’” conversation.

The “yes, that thing you’ve been playing with lately actually has another use.” lecture.

The “I know why you’re taking two hour showers” talk.

The “If I screw this up, I might never be a grandpa” talk.

Welcome to the Thunderdome, Dad. This is your guide to surviving The Talk without irreparably scarring your son or accidentally revealing that you, too, were once a hormonal goblin.

DO: Sack Up and Get It Over With

Is this the single most uncomfortable conversation you’ll ever have? Probably. Strap in and rip the Band-Aid off. Kid today NEED to hear it from you. Otherwise they’ll hear it online. And that lead to disaster. Believe it or not, kids WANT to hear from you. Don’t drop the ball. Yes, you’ll both cringe. But seriously, the stakes are too high. It needs to happen. And it needs to happen correctly.

Do find the right moment. This is not a “while you’re wiping down the car” kind of conversation. You want to pick a time when you’re both relaxed, like on a long car ride, a fishing trip, or any scenario where a quick escape is a logistical nightmare. The key is a captive audience. Make sure it’s just the two of you, because having a sibling, or worse, your wife, as a third party to this madness is a recipe for disaster. This is a time for conversation, not group chat with distractions.

Do use real words. It’s “penis” and “vagina.” Not “ding-dong” and “pocketbook.” No “the birds and the bees,” no “special hugs,” no overly flowery metaphors about flowers and pollen. Your kid is smarter than you think. Use accurate, anatomical terms. It might feel weird, but it’s less confusing than trying to explain how a hornet’s nest relates to anything other than a really bad camping trip.

Do talk about porn. Because guess what? He’s already seen it. He has a phone. He has friends. He has a bedroom door that closes. Tell him real sex doesn’t involve a stepmom, a pizza delivery, and a camera crew.

But most importantly, talk about women. Talk about intimacy. Talk about how women are not objects put here to entertain you. Talk about relationships. Talk about how difficult relationships are. It’s the healthiest thing you can do for your son.

DEMAND consent! Talks today must go beyond the “wear a condom” talking point. INSIST that “No” means no. End of story. There is no middle ground.

Keep religion out of it. I don’t care if that pisses you off. Sex is already confusing enough without a preacher’s opinion stapled on top. Kids today are drowning in TikTok advice, porn expectations, Snapchat hookups, and a million mixed messages. The the consequences are ten times heavier than when we were sneaking nudie mags behind the 7-Eleven. They don’t need fairy tales about shame and sin. They need real talk, straight answers, and a chance not to screw their lives up before they can legally rent a car.

Don’t share your glory days. “Back in my day, we raw-dogged in the back of a Camaro with Whitesnake blasting.” Congratulations. You just gave him a visual he’ll never scrub from his brain. It’s not about you. It’s not about conquests. It’s not being the “cool” dad that’s been there.

Don’t make it a horror film. “If you have sex, your pee falls off and you die” is not a strategy. That’s just Catholic school.

Don’t wait until prom night. If your kid already has a Venmo account and an Uber history, the clock’s been ticking for years.

Don’t Fish for a Confession! This is not a time to get him to fess up to anything. This is not locker room brag with the boys time (and should never be!). You are his father, not one of the boys. His private life is just that…private. You don’t need to know everything. And he shouldn’t feel like he must tell you everything. Setting boundaries actually builds respect.

The Bottom Line

You’re going to sweat. He’s going to squirm. Everyone will want to jump out the nearest window. But it has to happen. Because the only thing scarier than you saying “condom” out loud is not saying it at all.

And trust me: you’d rather he hears it from you than from a YouTuber named Crypto Daddy69 who also sells creatine powder and financial scams.

So pour two shots, one for you, one for future trauma, and get it done.